Hey Suha, your heart is made of stone.
Hey Suha, you have no heart.
Hey Suha, I bet you don't bleed.Hey Suha, you make the best surgeon because you can't feel.
Yeah that's me alright. Listen, I don't know why I don't cry when I hear that my oldest uncle didn't wake up after his colostomy. I don't know why I sound like a rehearsed know-it-all robot when you tell me that you just delivered Yara two months ahead of schedule. I don't know why I don't flinch when you tell me you're spending time with a woman that's not always at the mercy of an ugly black beeper. I don't know why I didn't attend Baby Dorian's memorial on Monday. I don't know why I pretend that you're not dying and not call or email.
Yes, of course I know that I do all these things. What - you thought I wasn't aware? Trust me I am aware. Now to answer the question that you are politely not asking me? I don't know. Honest to God I don't know why I was conditioned this way. What did that one rapping fool once say? The gift and the curse. Very useful trait for a surgeon and yet it is considered a personality flaw for everyone else. I am trying to change. I really am. I promise I will be a better daughter/friend/wife/person. But there's just one thing I want to ask of you. Can you please not make me feel like shit about things? Can you please not make me feel like I'm not human? I know it's asking a lot coming from me but pleasepleaseplease pretend that I have flesh beneath all of these layers of skin. You are important to me and I don't want to drive you away. Please promise that you understand. Tell me that you know how I feel about you. I can't imagine how my life would be if I lost you.
1 comment:
Dammit I had a long ass reply but the stupid signal on my phone went away and my post went right with it. Anyway...
I really feel unworth of your friendship. Even though we haven't met in real life I feel like you know me better than some of the oldest friends I have. You are a freaking angel, you know that?
I think I really needed to "let out" some of what I said because I was holding that shit in for too long. Things are still awkward esp. around Ziad but I have faith that this is just a rough patch. I just hate being reminded that we're not untouchable. Not that I really evvvvver thought we were it's just...hard...to...be reminded.
No L train for me...you know I've never been to that part of Brooklyn LOL. I'm right smack in the middle of both the 123 and BCE but there's been so much going on in the subways on the news lately I think I'll stick to screaming towards the Hudson River. Besides people in the area will think I'm just another crazy homeless person anyway ;)
We have a weak ass Nor'easter coming up and I think that's a perfet time to catch up via YIM ;)
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